Tag Archives: end of life

Is there value in prolonging life after 80? 90?

The title of this post is provocative, but so is this use of the politicized phrase “death panel” by Joe Klein in his June 11 Time feature article, “How to Die”: “My parents died serenely, with dignity. When you are a death panel — when the time and manner of their passing is at least partly in your hands — that is the very best you can hope for.”

Mr. Klein’s story — which encompassed his parents’ relationship, their struggles with very old age, his Dad’s tendency to act “as if old age were a reversible condition,” and finally his experience with Geisinger’s candid communications style and evidence-based approach to medical care — was truly moving. I recognized in his account the emotional tug-of-war that goes with being the caregiver who has the day-to-day responsibility of interpreting a parent’s end-of-life wishes.

The Time feature (click to see a video with the author here) and another article in the New York Times’ “New Old Age” blog has pushed to the front of my mind this question: will I send my Dad to the E.R. again?

Klein describes how his 91-year-old mother’s trips to the emergency room were becoming more frequent. When he was traveling out of state, he got a call that she was in the hospital, had pneumonia and wasn’t eating. He was told that she would die unless they put in a feeding tube. Although he knew she specifically didn’t want a feeding tube, he authorized it so that she might have the chance to recover. He later came to believe that he made a mistake in that decision and that “there are better ways to handle the end-game.”

The New York Times blog article, “At the End, a Rush to the E.R.,” by Paula Span, comments on a study just published in Health Affairs and calls the E.R. “a conveyer belt to hospitalization.” The analysis of the medical records of 4,158 people over 65 who died over a 14 year period revealed that 75% had visited an emergency room in their final six months and 68% of those died in the hospital.

To go to the hospital or not is almost certainly a decision I will face in the near future

In January, my 95-year-old Dad had a seizure-like episode while we were out walking.  I didn’t panic, but my heart was racing and I had to decide what to do almost instantly. (I blogged about my internal crisis last month.) Fearing that he was having a stroke, I immediately called 9-1-1 and first responders arrived minutes later. Dad quickly stabilized, so much so that the paramedic asked me if I wanted him to go to the hospital in the ambulance — or not. I know that t-PA, the drug used to break up clots associated with strokes (thus preventing many of a stroke’s worst effects), has to be administered within three hours of the event, so I opted for the ambulance run to the hospital.

After a long day of waiting on an uncomfortable ER “bed”, they weren’t able to figure out what caused Dad’s symptoms. He was admitted for observation and spent two nights. They did a bunch of tests (blood, X-ray, CT, MRI, ultrasound, echocardiogram, and even a nuclear medicine stress test) and concluded that he did not have a stroke, and that his heart is actually in very good shape except for the old damage from his original heart attack.

Although he had no procedures, the tests and just being in the hospital were very uncomfortable for him. Holding still during an MRI was excruciating. He was exhausted after his discharge.

But now we have information we didn’t before. He doesn’t have major blockages in his heart or his carotid arteries. His congestive heart failure — a condition he’s had for at least 10 years — will continue to be treated with medication.

So under what circumstances would I send my Dad to the hospital in an ambulance again?

My big concern is that Dad not be in acute pain or discomfort. If he falls and hurts himself, I won’t be strong enough to help him, and he could be in a lot of pain. So I would authorize the ambulance run, but I’d lobby like hell to get him out as soon as possible. If he has significant chest pain, I will also call 9-1-1. I stopped by an estate sale earlier today and talked with the son-in-law of a neighbor who passed away in December; his Dad went to the hospital after not being able to defecate for several weeks. I’d send Dad to the hospital under the same circumstances. If he was very ill and I thought he could recover with IV antibiotics — Dad’s still got the biceps of a 40 year old — I’d probably authorize a short hospital stay. But I will say “no” to anything but the most benign diagnostic tests; we’re done with long diagnostic procedures. And I’d say no to ventilation, feeding tubes and the like. But any time I say “yes” to the hospital, I know I’m taking a risk that he could decline and die there. He doesn’t want that, and neither do I.

My dilemma – like many caregivers’ — is the unpredictability of the period ahead

Although I love “The New Old Age” blog, another recent post pissed me off. “Among the Very Ill, Confusion about Life’s End” describes how annoying geriatricians find it that older Americans are unwilling to plan for the end of life. Seems that a study of people who met hospice criteria (expected to die within six months, although many live longer) most often answered “I don’t know” to a question about what they expected the course of their final illness to be (answer choices: suddenly, within a day or two of a health crisis, after a prolonged illness or “I don’t know”).

The article noted, “Each individual had a terminal disease with a somewhat predictable trajectory, though precise prognoses are always difficult.”

That’s what pissed me off… because with a few exceptions (mostly cancer), death isn’t very predictable. I’ve seen the data at hospice conferences. And in my experience doctors really don’t like to be asked to estimate how long someone might have.

Dad ought to have been eligible for hospice care, oh, about seven years ago. The cardiovascular surgeon who performed Dad’s third open heart bypass surgery in 1999 expected Dad would have five good years before his heart finally gave out. I’d have Dad in a hospice program in a skinny minute if someone could tell me that he is likely to only have six months to live. My mother was given an estimate of 4-6 weeks after being diagnosed with terminal lung cancer in January of 1999. I fought with the hospitalist to bring her home to die, despite his telling me, “It’d be kinder for all parties concerned if she just winked out here in the hospital.” She died on May 10, at sunset, with my Dad holding her hand, thanks to great hospice care that kept her mostly comfortable to the very end.

Putting a value on the end of life

Mr. Klein noted that his mother had a heart valve operation when she was 80 for a heart murmur that was getting worse. He went on to explain how much it cost.

My father would have died without that last open heart surgery in 1999, when he was 82. I’m sure it cost a lot, too. But in the 13 years since then, some very important things have happened.

He has spent many hours with me reviewing his life and some of the things that have caused him the greatest pain – especially his father’s lack of interest and involvement, and the death of my sister due to leukemia at age four. He’s also had a chance to tell lots of stories about things he’s proud of, moments he relishes. I know him in a way that wouldn’t have been possible while my Mother was still alive. He has given so much love and acceptance to my three brothers and me in these intervening years.

Though I am all for improving care coordination and undoing the perverse incentives of Medicare fee-for-service, I hope we never discount the value of having the time and health to come to terms with the approach of death.

My Dad feels ready to go, and I am ready to say goodbye when the time is right. And in the meantime I will do everything in my power to keep him happy and comfortable, which (unfortunately) may mean at least one more run to the hospital before he can be enrolled in a hospice program.

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My Dad wonders, “What’s the alternative?”

For Father’s Day, I’m putting together a digital scrapbook of sorts. I came across some notes I scribbled after talking with Dad in 2009. We had talked a little about the fact that he doesn’t live in the past despite some agonizingly painful memories, as when my sister died of leukemia at the age of four:

The past is over. And I can’t live in the future. So I live in the present. I have these distinct periods of my life. They’re almost separate lives. I wish your sister had lived. In my last memory of her she was in an oxygen tent, holding out her arms and saying, “Daddy help me.” I couldn’t do a thing.

It struck me that, as emotional as Dad is, he has been – and is – a very practical man.  He does what has to be done.  When memories are too painful, he doesn’t dwell on them.

A few days later, we talked a little more.

“I’m getting to be an old crock,” he said.  I commented, “You do so much better than most people your age – you’re hardly an old crock.”  Then he said, “I hope it doesn’t shock you, but I look forward to being with your mother again.”

Now, Dad and I had talked about his concept of faith and God many times in the past, and he had expressed regret that he couldn’t quite believe in God, much as he might want to.  Further, he found it unfair that my Mom, a woman of so much faith in God, would express fear of death when she was in the late stages of terminal lung cancer.  So I said, “I take it you do believe in an after-life.”  He replied:  “What’s the alternative?” I’ll take that as a yes.

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Real emotions from a real man

Dad started singing the “Battle Hymn of the Republic” today at the kitchen table, and as always, he choked up.

“It was a terrible war,” he said. “They all are.”

Then he went on to say, “I’m a sentimental man. But it’s real. I mean it.”

I know Dad means it. I’ve known it for a long time. In a strange bit of juxtaposition, today I came across a letter I wrote to my Dad when I was 22. I was very, very angry at him for an argument we had. It ended badly, with him physically throwing me out of his room when I stood my ground. In retaliation, I took his car and drove very, very fast around the Olympic peninsula, returning to my parents’ home in the wee hours of the morning. (Like that was really intelligent.)

I wrote:

A long time ago, I wrote an essay about myself. I found myself struggling with words to describe you, and to describe my feelings about you. I kept coming up with metaphors about rocks — things that reflected both strength and immovability. And no one would question that you are both of those things.

Somehow, Dad, it is different growing up as your daughter and not as your son. For all the femininity that is within me, I am still as strong and independent as my brothers – a person quite capable of standing on her own two feet. To accept this in a son, I believe, is less difficult than to accept it in me. Perhaps it is for this reason that years of feelings welled up inside me as we spoke tonight, and I realized I needed to be accepted, in the same way my brothers are respected, once and for all….

I understand your strength. I understand your pride, and that you cannot show weakness most of all to me. I see the softness and warmth that you have as a father. But I have never seen the side of you that could say to me, ‘I am wrong,’ or ‘I am sorry.’

Tonight, however, just for once in my 22 years, I needed to hear something. I needed to hear something other than ‘dismissed.’

I believe you rejected me tonight because for the first time in my life I was terribly insubordinate to you. I said no.

I love you but I have always been afraid of you. Part of my growing up and turning twenty-two was finally fighting this love-fear feeling about my father. “They” say some things like this are never gotten over, but I’m not writing a psych book and I could care less what anyone else has to say about my need for ‘reaffirmation.’

…Do you know how much it meant to me when you said you wanted to take me fishing and just to talk to me this summer? I guess that was the first time you had ever really wanted to sit down and share those words of wisdom with me that I have always imagined you have with my brothers. I don’t think I’ve ever been as happy as the day you asked me about going fishing.

This is the grown-up me that you may not always notice, Dad. It isn’t the woman that you and Mom have often doubted would have enough love — unselfish love — to be happy in marriage. This is the me that my friends have come to know, the one that has a lot of love to give, but needs it in return, too.

I need to hear that you could say you were sorry. I need, just once, to see that side of you. And I’m sorry, but I’m not sure why. I just know it’s a fact.

You may not like me very well after you read this letter. You may be able to dismiss it, or say I’m upset, or say I’m trying to fight you. I’m not, however, doing any of those things. With every once of love in my heart, I’m showing you everything that’s there. And Dad, that more than anything else demonstrates my tremendous love and trust and admiration for you.

Please don’t take this letter as any form of criticism. Take it as what it is — just a very big step in your daughter’s final transition into adult and womanhood.”

How did the story end? My Dad said he was sorry. He showed me the love and respect I so desperately needed then. Our relationship changed forever.

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In the end, there’s…. chocolate

 

My goals as a daughter and caregiver have changed since 2006, when I moved my Dad to California. I imagined we’d make the grand tour of the foothill wineries, in search of the very best Zin. But then he lost his taste for wine (although he still enjoys a small glass before dinner), and car trips became uncomfortable. I find that I am no longer trying to ensure “a fun old age” for him.

My goals now are simple: keep him from feeling lonely, and make sure he gets chocolate every day. I think I’m succeeding at both.

As I returned him to his assisted living apartment the other day (which he views as purgatory), I told him I’d be back the next day and explained that I don’t want him to be lonely. “I don’t get lonesome,” he said. “But I do miss you.”

And as for chocolate, well, here’s the proof. This is a typical scene of Dad at lunch. What could be better than chicken, milk, the New York Times and a side of chocolate cake?

He’s lost so much of his former life (and glory, he would add). The 5th USMC Reserve Officers Commission class (of May 1941) is down to 25 members from its original complement of 304. His closest friends and brothers are long gone.

But he’s still got me, as well as other family members who love him. And chocolate. Lots of chocolate.

 

 

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When nothing is something

One of the unexpected consequences of our Pilgrim upbringing is a tremendous emphasis on work as a moral virtue. Time we are sitting can seem like time we are wasting, or at the very least, remind us of our endless lists of uncompleted tasks.

When a parent is growing older but not really “up there,” it’s easy to find ways to brighten their days: lunch or dinner in a restaurant, an outing to the theater, a trip to see family. But as the burden of age sets in, making “play dates” with a parent can get hard on the caregiver and care recipient. It’s easy to revert to  the mode we grew accustomed to when our children were small.

A little while ago, I offered to take Dad out for his daily walk, and he said, “I don’t know what’s wrong but I really don’t feel up to it today.” So I heated up some leftovers for his lunch and started tidying up in the kitchen. And then I realized: this is it. Through shared meal times, I can give Dad some normalcy. So I sat down. Ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He read the paper. I read the paper.

These moments of nothing have the potential to be something. For the older person, perhaps having someone sit with you at the kitchen table mirrors the mundane (but missed) moments they may have had with their spouse. It’s quiet but companionable. For the adult child, these quiet moments say, “I’m willing to stop my life long enough to just be present with you.” Or, “I’m here if you have a memory that comes to mind.” Or, “I just like sitting with you.”

We don’t always have to do something to make the time pleasurable. Sometimes nothing is everything.

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“I’m not really a Dad anymore”

Walking with my Dad on the American River Bike Trail yesterday, he was feeling his age. During a rest stop, he looked out at the birds circling over the river and said, “I’m not really your Dad anymore.”

I stopped and stood in front of him, wanting to be sure that he not only heard my response, but saw my face as I said it: “You are and will always be my Dad. No one could ever love me the way you do.”

He replied, “And you’ll always be my Bets.”

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Expectations and aging: finding pleasure in what we CAN do

Dad with the world before him, in 1939

If you’ve seen one person over 80, you’ve seen one person.

I have a large number of older people in my life, including my 95-year-old Dad, to whom this blog is dedicated. A rare few, like Win, a 95-year-old compatriot of my Dad’s, seem to have found a magic elixir. Win recently wrote that he is still driving, keeping up a 4 bedroom house and pool, and only has physical difficulties rising from a chair.  Sheesh! He sounds like me!

Another important person in my life is getting older, and he’s kicking and screaming his way into his “golden years.” He is pissed that women treat him like – well – an old guy. In his mind, he is still virile and desirable. Physically, he’s doing pretty well. He’s a good conversationalist, still enjoys athletic pursuits, and remains involved in business. Emotionally, however, he’s not very happy about this aging thing.

As I’ve written, my Dad’s world is rapidly shrinking. His poor hearing cuts him off from most conversations, and now he has chest pain every time we go for a walk. He’s had to give up beloved pursuits like hunting and fishing. And yet, most of the time, he’s in a good mood. I’d go so far as to call him an optimist. Even though he often comments, “Lo, how the mighty have fallen,” when he carefully tackles the four stairs descending from my house, he takes heart from the fact he can complete a walk at all. “Now that’s the Henry I know,” he’ll say when a walk has gone well.

What’s the difference? Why do some people, even in the face of medical or physical challenges, remain fairly happy?

I was really struck by an article in today’s New York Times about the impact of one’s expectations on one’s well-being. Research reported in Your Brain at Work by David Rock suggests that dopamine is released, causing a feeling of pleasure when something positive happens — that is, if it beats our expectations on the upside. Unfortunately, when an experience is worse than we expect, our negative feelings are stronger than the positive ones we get from the favorable better-than-expected experience. (For you engineers and math lovers, Mr. Rock puts it algebraically: “If we expect to get x and we get x, there’s a slight rise in dopamine. If we expect to get x and we get 2x, there’s a greater rise. But if we expect to get x and get 0.9x, then we get a much bigger drop.”

The article concludes:

It seems as if it is best to have low expectations of things out of our control, realistic expectations of things we can control to some degree and high expectations of ourselves.

My Dad has had a lot of experience in his life with things that are outside of his control. He had an influence on the progress of battles for the Pacific in WWII, but he didn’t have control. He couldn’t control the leukemia that eventually claimed my sister in the 1950s. And he could not control his way out of heart disease, although he has been able to successfully manage it since 1963.

He also epitomizes what the article describes in terms of having high expectations for himself. He has emotionally muscled his way through many difficult circumstances.

Who’s happier? The fighting-every-step-of-the-way senior, or my Dad, with far more disabilities at 95. I think I have to conclude that my Dad is. He’s an optimist, but apparently is able to roll with it when things don’t turn out as hoped.

I know we Baby Boomers are going to have a VERY difficult time coming to terms with age. We have changed our world through our sheer numbers, but we will not be able to get God – and medicine – to serve up challenge-free “golden years.” It’s up to us to manage our expectations… and choose happiness.

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Having something to look forward to matters more to seniors

We didn’t take many family vacations when I was a kid.  In the picture above, we’re getting in two cars – that’s Dad’s Corvair Monza – to drive from Maryland to the West Coast where we would board the S.S. Lurline to Hawaii, where Dad would begin a new tour of duty.

Dad at 44 had lots to look forward to: an exciting new phase in his career, the opportunity to live in Honolulu, maybe a trip to take his children hunting in Eastern Washington when he visited his mother there.  And then there were our milestones to anticipate within a few years: brother Scott’s graduation from college and Bruce’s from Punahou.  My milestones?  I think my Mom was just hoping I’d stop clinging and learn to ride my bike (for the record, that didn’t happen until we moved to Seattle two years later).

I think one of the hardest things about being in your 90s must be that you don’t naturally have positive milestones to anticipate.  It’s not likely you’re going to  hunt and fish more, entertain friends more, or take up that hobby you’ve always been meaning to try.  A few do, but they have the rare gift of resilient energy and decent health.  For most, just getting up, dressed, shaved and showered is hard work.

I had big ideas when Dad moved to Sacramento that we would do lots of field trips – taste Zinfandel wines in the foothills, for example.  But regular outings have proven impractical.  Dad worries about being away from a john if he’s in the car for long, and he says he’s lost his taste for wine.

I therefore turned to planning periodic 3-day trips.  My brothers and I have taken Dad on several fishing trips: two on the Feather River, and last summer on the Williamson River near Klamath Falls, Oregon.  For his fall birthday last year, I took him to the Monterey Plaza where we enjoyed lots of room service breakfasts overlooking the ocean, and visited the Monterey Aquarium.

Wednesday we leave for our biggest trip yet: a 2-day visit to Seattle and 3 days in Suncadia near Cle Elum, Washington. Seattle was once home, so no doubt we’ll drive by the old family homestead on 11th Avenue East.  We’ll have the chance to connect with some old friends, my Dad’s niece, my brothers, and some grandchildren.

Dad’s gotten in the habit of asking, “So what’s coming up in the future?”  Just having an orientation to the future is remarkable.  My son, Tommy, recently interviewed a WWII Japanese Imperial Army veteran (now U.S. citizen) who is participating in a program called “Thrill of a Lifetime.”  Through the program, Eskaton, where the man lives, is trying to reunite the elderly man with his brother, who he hasn’t seen since 1951.  The goal of the program is to inspire each resident to live every day to its fullest.

Once upon a time, the days stretched ahead of my Dad full of opportunity.  Now his day-to-day world is confined, but it can be expanded by the anticipation that something good is ahead.  Let’s hope the trip lives up to its promise.

 

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The consequences of Dad losing his “filter”

In most ways, my Dad has mellowed as he’s gotten older.  I’ve read that, when it comes to anger, older people – especially women — are less likely to let things make them mad.  They have better control of their emotions internally and externally.

Very old people, however, are less likely to “edit” when a thought crosses their mind that would be inappropriate or uncomfortable for those around them.

This can lead to awkward but hilarious situations, especially when the very old person in question has hearing problems and speaks a little louder than the average person.  Six or seven years ago, our house was on the market and we left to give the REALTOR a chance to show it to a couple who was interested.  They arrived in front as we left in back.  I couldn’t close the window fast enough to mute my Dad’s comment, “She certainly knows how to fill a pair of pants.”  And he didn’t mean that in a good way.  We did not get an offer from that couple.

Or there was the time my Dad commented while still within ear shot, “That must have been quite a hat… before she sat on it.”  Or, “She has a face like a pudding.”

I am a slow learner when it comes to asking if my Dad likes the dinner I’ve prepared.  Occasionally I get a thumbs up, but I am equally likely to get the “so-so” fluttering hand signal.  And once he offered this little gem, “It looks like the dog’s breakfast.”

I shouldn’t be surprised that my Dad complains when he has to return to his assisted living community.  He hates it there.  It’s a good enough place, and he probably would like it if it wasn’t compared on a weekly basis to life at my house.

My house is, well, a house.  With a family that he’s part of.  With lots of room to move around, and people who bring you coffee and wine, serve up three square meals a day and talk to you.  His experience at his assisted living community simply can’t compete with that.

So why is it so painful to me when he complains that returning to the “hacienda” (as he calls it) is like going to prison?  Or that he’s in a drought when he’s there for a few days?  Or that he can’t get the temperature right at night and it’s like an oven (although he was wearing a wool sweater when I picked him up)?

He can no longer filter his comments, and his short term memory loss means that he will keep feeling and commenting on the same anxiety about returning to his apartment, over and over.  It’s the perfect recipe for my guilt.

It isn’t that different than when I had to drop my son or daughter off at day care, and they didn’t want to be there.  They might cling or cry, but I reassured myself that they would get caught up with activities once I left the scene.  I go through a similar exercise when it’s time for Dad to return to his apartment.  He doesn’t cling or cry, but he can’t help repeating his distress about returning.

At least I knew my children would move on to a new developmental phase.  With Dad, I  have to comfort myself.  He won’t outgrow it.

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My Dad makes progress word by word

Dad used to think short pants were the ultimate indignity

This morning my Dad has his fifth outpatient visit with a speech therapist since his small stroke three weeks ago.  Lynn asked him how he felt about continuing.  Did he feel that he would benefit from more sessions?  Did he want to continue?

Dad answered her question with his own, “What is the expected outcome?”

She told him that he had improved a lot since she began working with him, but that he wasn’t quite where she thought he might be at this point, and that he might benefit from some additional sessions.

He repeated, “What is the expected outcome?”

A light bulb seemed to go off for Lynn and she said, “Here, let me show you.”  She wrote on the page of Dad’s workbook:

“We started out practicing saying words slowly and exaggeratedly.  Then we moved on to sentences and reading out loud.  Today we’ve been working on making sure that your responses to questions can be understood.  Next is conversation, and finally comes recitation.”

In showing Dad the ladder he’s climbing, she helped him to feel that he can improve, and, maybe, re-establish some control over a difficult situation.

I appreciated the dignity with which she treated him.  She seemed to recognize that, to my Dad, quality of life has a great deal to do with being able to summon up and recite passages from his beloved poems and plays.

But I also realized that she was giving him was a way of measuring progress, of validating for himself that he was improving.  It’s like having a personal trainer comment that you can now perform an exercise (or number of repetitions) that would have defeated you when you first began.

What she was giving Dad wasn’t hope, exactly, nor was she just cajoling him to be optimistic.  With her clinical skills, she was giving him a path for improving, and he could see that he had already come part of the way.

More importantly, she was helping to keep my Dad’s world from shrinking even further.  He can no longer drive, and he has difficulty following and retaining ideas the way one must to tackle full-length books.  He can’t hear in situations with more than a few people present, even though he’s a very social person.

But he’s still him, and he wants to be part of the conversation.  He wants to be able to share a story, or make a witty remark, or discuss the state of world affairs, or express appreciation.  All of these depend on being understandable.

I’m grateful that Lynn of Sutter VNA is helping him to retain his fundamental “Henry-ness.”

 

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