One of the unexpected consequences of our Pilgrim upbringing is a tremendous emphasis on work as a moral virtue. Time we are sitting can seem like time we are wasting, or at the very least, remind us of our endless lists of uncompleted tasks.
When a parent is growing older but not really “up there,” it’s easy to find ways to brighten their days: lunch or dinner in a restaurant, an outing to the theater, a trip to see family. But as the burden of age sets in, making “play dates” with a parent can get hard on the caregiver and care recipient. It’s easy to revert to the mode we grew accustomed to when our children were small.
A little while ago, I offered to take Dad out for his daily walk, and he said, “I don’t know what’s wrong but I really don’t feel up to it today.” So I heated up some leftovers for his lunch and started tidying up in the kitchen. And then I realized: this is it. Through shared meal times, I can give Dad some normalcy. So I sat down. Ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He read the paper. I read the paper.
These moments of nothing have the potential to be something. For the older person, perhaps having someone sit with you at the kitchen table mirrors the mundane (but missed) moments they may have had with their spouse. It’s quiet but companionable. For the adult child, these quiet moments say, “I’m willing to stop my life long enough to just be present with you.” Or, “I’m here if you have a memory that comes to mind.” Or, “I just like sitting with you.”
We don’t always have to do something to make the time pleasurable. Sometimes nothing is everything.
2 responses to “When nothing is something”
Lunch with dad was one of my favorite parts of my visits to Sacramento.
Yes! My greatest lesson in how to love came when my mother said to me in her last days.. “Let’s just be together, you and I, side by side.” and I realized that what you are (love), what you have become, is what you have to bring.
Life asks us to be there.. calls to us again and again in myriad forms.
“The famous mystic Rudolph Steiner has said that for the agricultural process to happen, for seeds and plants and trees to grow, birdsong is absolutely essential. This is a beautiful truth that very few people know. But we also need to take what he said one stage further, because birds call and sing not only to quicken the plants; they also call to awaken the human seed that we are…. They will be our teachers, because outer nature is able to point us to our inner nature. The birds are calling us, but what exactly are we called to? We are called to be there.” ~Peter Kingsley
Lynn Fawcett Whiting