Tag Archives: caregiver

My husband, the unsung hero

(Before you read this post, stop remembering the Andy Kaufman version of the Mighty Mouse theme song. I mean it. Stop. It. Right. Now.)

My husband and I have always had a 50-50 arrangement, if you average it over time. Statistical nerd that I am, I know that the average can mask a labile distribution of responsibility for household and familial duties. Sometimes it’s 75-25, sometimes 25-75, and occasionally even 90-10 (as in the time when we were preparing to move and my husband managed to break his knee on a guys’ trip).

Every time someone says to me that I’m an angel for taking care of my Dad, I remember that the guy holding my halo in place is my husband.

When I stop to take inventory, I realize that it’s a whole bunch of little things he does that accumulate to make a difference. When he comes home from work every evening, he asks if my Dad has his glass of wine. While I scramble to do my “magic” in the kitchen (anyone who knows me knows this is not a joyful experience), he’s contributing the comfortable routine of my Dad’s life. Dad used to have a couple of scotch and waters before dinner that over the years morphed into a glass of red wine. Dad’s almost lost his taste for wine at all, but that pre-dinner libation is a nicety in the not-so-nice world of advanced age.

Sometimes my husband “covers” for me if I have a morning meeting or am entertaining a couple of girlfriends. I’ve never detected a moment of resentment if I ask him to fix Dad’s breakfast or put his dinner on the table.

Taking care of Dad severely limits our flexibility to accept invitations from friends or go out of town for the weekend, things my extrovert husband would enjoy. But he never complains. Ever. I’ve never detected resentment, though he would be well within his rights to feel some.

And he shares his space often, as family members come to visit my Dad.

Perhaps most significantly, he doesn’t try to fix my problems when I feel down or a little worn out. Earlier in our marriage, we learned that my sharing a problem led to him trying to solve it, when sometimes all I wanted was the opportunity to vent. He sits with me and empathizes. I feel held inside even if we are not touching outside.

Next time your mental jukebox plays, “Here I am to save the day!” remember the great men who are out there standing behind the “angels” like me.

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What makes caregiving so hard?

I thought I knew what hard is. Hard was being nine months pregnant, diagnosed with pregnancy induced hypertension (ankles bloated to the exploding point), and getting ready to present the first full-scale consumer awareness study to the hospital system execs for whom I worked. Hard was working full-time, while trying to be a good mother of  a one-year-old and  studying for my M.B.A. during nap time and at night. Hard was working a full day with two hours of commute time on either end.

Being responsible for someone who needs your help and care, it seems to me, isn’t exactly training for the Olympics. But it can feel that way sometimes.

My Dad doesn’t need assistance with the basics. He dresses himself, puts his hearing aids in, eats independently, and has the toileting thing pretty much under control. My caregiving gig is a lot easier than many.

I think what’s hardest for me is the emotional burden – dodging obstacles, holding others up who worry from afar, and coping with the no-end-in-sightedness. I am constantly anticipating problems and talking steps to circumvent them, for example, clearing my Dad’s path of trip hazards and pre-emptively clearing dishes so that my he will not take it upon himself to do so, toodling from the breakfast table to the counter with dishes in both hands (and thus without either cane or walker). When a medication stops working and needs to be adjusted,  I run the gauntlet of conversations with doctors and care staff, trying to get accurate information about the situation (clarifying, clarifying, confirming) and calling and finally badgering someone into changing medical orders.

Dad is unstable enough that my brothers now worry from afar. I understand their vigilance, having felt just the same way when home in California during my mother’s four month hospice period in 1999. When I report setbacks, which have been more frequent during the last month, I get messages from my brothers asking if this is a crisis and whether they should book flights. I know their messages are code for, “Do you think he could die?” I try to reassure them. Understanding that you are going to lose someone is to begin grieving. I know they hurt. [Brothers who read this: this is not a complaint. I really appreciate your increased vigilance.]

We’re not there yet. Several times of late I’ve been asked what I will do when “this period is over” (code for “when Dad is dead”). I don’t know. I can’t plan. If I get my head in the future it will be even harder to manage the day-to-day. So I am actively avoiding long term planning.

Right now my whole world is the next two weeks, in which I hope we will stabilize Dad’s underlying congestive heart failure condition so that his weight swings and shortness of breath resolve, at least until the next unsettled period.

This shouldn’t be that hard. But some days it is. Fortunately, today is not one of them. So far.

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The Caregivers’ Special? Wine and Cereal

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When my kids were little, the ultimate in lazy cuisine was what we called “the babysitters’ special”: mac & cheese. Out of a box.

Everyone is out tonight. Dad’s back at his assisted living apartment (which he insists on calling “The Hacienda,” even though that’s not its name). My husband is on his way to a guys’ weekend in Montana. My son is working in Tacoma, WA, where he attends college during the year. My daughter is at a rehearsal of a play she’s in, which opens tomorrow in Davis, CA.

I don’t have to do anything. Which includes cooking.

What appealed to me? A bowl of Cheerios and Byron Pinot Noir 2010. (I doubt this is what the winemaker had in mind for a pairing.) And I’m deliriously happy about the whole state of affairs.

I think I’ll live dangerously and eat my dinner in bed.

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Worth repeating: family communication tips for caregivers

Full disclosure: that’s my hand holding Dad’s, and the blog post below was originally published on the Ray Stone Seniors website. The article was inspired in part by my recent blog post about my experience with family communication, but I thought this had some great tips worth sharing.

With more people living longer, many of us find ourselves balancing caring for our children with caring for our parents, often, while working full-time. Family communication – with parents and siblings – can either become an obstacle to ensuring that parents and caregivers get the support they need and want, or an opportunity to deepen relationships. According to “The Elder Care Study: Everyday Realities and Wishes for Change,” 60 percent of former caregivers reported that their relationships with the elderly relative they cared for changed for the better due to the experience. The same study found that working together to support an aging parent drew some families closer, while a lack of support or help had the opposite effect.

What’s working for these families who report coping well, despite the extra work of caring for an elder? Intentional family communications aimed at fulfilling the older person’s wishes can go a long way toward turning this period of greater dependence into a period that will be remembered as a loving, if difficult, time.

Research and our experiences at Ray Stone Senior Living suggest these 5 techniques can increase the likelihood that caregivers will succeed in achieving better balance, and strengthened relationships:

  1. Start by putting the opinion of the elderly parent at the center of the dialogue. AARP Foundation’s “Planning Guide for Families” cautions that families “should never make a plan or interfere in the lives of their loved one without their knowledge or consent.” Don’t expect, however, to learn what your parents do and don’t want in one fell swoop; be a good listener and look for opportunities to engage them and clarify their wishes when triggering events arise, such as a conversation about a neighbor or friend who is having health problems or making changes due to aging.
  2. Identify a primary contact person. Kathy Quan, R.N., B.S.N., P.H.N., author of “The Everything Guide to Caring for Aging Parents” suggests that identifying a point person to act as a clearinghouse of information can help avoid miscommunication and rumor mills. That central communicator will be charged with making sure that all family members get the same information at the same time. She also suggests having a conversation about ground rules for back-and-forth exchanges, such as: ensuring that everyone is heard, limiting the length of uninterrupted comments (“speeches”), avoiding finger pointing, and not reverting to old, unhelpful family communication patterns.
  3. Divide duties. The Elder Care Study found that 86% of family caregivers said they receive help from other family members, but almost half added that they didn’t get as much help as they would like. Often, women feel they carry more than their fair share of responsibility, but they may not challenge this pattern out of habitual gender roles. By making a list of activities that could be supported, family members’ different abilities and resources may be more fully utilized. Expressing empathy and appreciation for siblings’ contributions also can go a long way toward fostering positive relationships – and possibly more offers of help.
  4. Take advantage of technology-enabled ways to communicate (but pay attention to etiquette). Many families find email an efficient way to keep everyone in the loop – not just about medical problems or changes in medication or routine, but reminiscences that may be shared in the course of the day. Email is also great for attaching documents and photos, as well as passing along greetings from Mom or Dad to other family members. However, email is a poor choice for sensitive discussions or voicing a concern or criticism. Some families also use a family website or blog to stay in touch – not just about parents, but about extended family happenings.
  5. Don’t forget to keep Mom and Dad informed, too. Returning to point #1, the goal of all caregiving efforts should be to honor aging parents’ wishes while keeping them safe. As medical and physical challenges increase, it can be easy to slip into conferring with medical or other professionals as if the older parents are not in the room. Insist that others still treat your Mom and Dad as if they are central, even if it can be frustrating to slow down or repeat information. After a discussion, it can be very helpful to recap it in writing in the form of a letter or note, especially if your parent has any short-term memory loss.

Caring for one’s parents as they age can be tiring, but it can be a time to honor these loved ones by giving back some of the love and support they have shown you along the way. It may even strengthen family relationships into the next generation.

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Family communication: seeing eye-to-eye through our diversity

Nephews, brother, sister-in-law, niece and Dad – out on a walk

Writer’s note: If you find this blog post of interest, you might want to check out a discussion on the NY Times New Old Age blog in which readers comment about communications techniques they have found helpful – a response to the article, “How Do You Keep Track of It All?”

My brothers and I look so little alike – and are so little alike – that it’s a matter of family jest. The brother who is closest to me in birth order and I once had to show our driver’s licenses to prove we were related to a woman who knew us both yet was unaware that we were related. My eldest two brothers are 15 and 10 years older than I am. The family unit they grew up in – which included a younger sister who died of leukemia in the 1950s – was a different one than the one my younger brother and I knew. It would be easy for us to have different ideas about “what to do” about our parents as they aged.

Instead, we seem to be in lock step.

Going back 15 years, when my mother’s dementia grew worse, and later, as she struggled with late stage lung cancer, my brothers and I evolved a system for communicating with one another. That system reduces stress for my Dad and makes it easier to ensure that he is getting the care he wants – and avoiding the care he doesn’t want. It also provides me with emotional support, and now it seems to be helping my brothers and I to imagine how we will be a family after my father’s eventual death.

That “system” started when my brother who is nearest in age called to suggest that we rescue Dad for a few weeks (by taking Mom on vacation) during the period when my mother had become increasingly agitated. Dad’s angina was increasing as her anger and confusion grew. Later, when my mother was eventually hospitalized and near death, our sporadic phone calls were replaced with much closer coordination by phone and email. We took turns staying with her in the hospital and took notes during our “shift”, briefing the next family member who arrived to sit by her bedside. On at least one occasion, our notes enabled us to correct what would have been a grievous medical error since her chart became so large that it was split in two – and some important information about her medication was not transferred to the active chart. When my mother came home with hospice, we tried to keep one another informed of her status as we rotated for three-to-five day stays at my folks’ house to oversee her care and my father’s recovery from his third bypass surgery.

In the past six years that Dad has lived partly with me and partly in an assisted living apartment, I’ve sent periodic “Dad Reports” to my three brothers with details about his spirits and physical health. Instead of quietly nursing resentment when I felt they weren’t doing enough to reach out to Dad via mail or email, I point blank asked them to step up their outreach to him. Our efforts were greatly enhanced by a “Presto” machine that automatically prints out emails sent to my Dad’s email address, thanks to a gift from my eldest brother.

As I have become more concerned about my Dad’s failing health, I have shared recent blog posts with my brothers, including my long rant after reading Joe Klein’s cover feature for Time magazine, “How to Die.” And it was that most recent outreach that uncorked a cascade of emails from my brothers that truly surprised and moved me. Not only were they aligned around preserving my Dad’s comfort and dignity, but they vocalized a commitment to our family unit.

My first reply came from “brother #2”:

I guess I’ll start by saying that for the past year I have been expecting a phone call from my Betsy or the staff letting me know that Dad had passed – I know that phone call is inevitable, and I know that every time I go up to provide respite for Betsy, I might be the one making that call to the rest of you. Selfishly, I don’t want that duty but if I have to be the one to make the call, I will respect Dad’s wishes. I know that he has lost everything he loved or took pleasure from in life, and has become a dependent. He can’t hear us, and I know it galls him.

Is there value in a rush to the ER? Well, the medical profession can certainly prolong a life that has become burdensome and often painful, but they cannot turn back the clock and give life in abundance. And ultimately, all the tests in the world probably won’t offer much that will give him a more abundant life.

I am conflicted by these thoughts – I like the family we have become and the strength that we siblings have found through Mom’s hospice. In many ways, I think that Dad has been the glue that bonded us all together, and I am fearful of losing more than just Dad when he passes away. But that’s not a reason to withold from Dad the end he wants.”

Then brother #1 weighed in:

(Brother #2) has done a good job of capturing my thoughts and feelings on this subject. And like him, one of my worries is that Dad’s passing will dissolve the glue that has kept the four of us close as siblings. I have the longest experience of the four of us with the reality of Dad’s mortality, going back to when Mom and I drove Dad to the Navy infirmary at Pearl Harbor when he had his first heart attack. I recall well how worried Mom was that Dad wouldn’t come out of the hospital alive, but yet he did, and he has hung on tenaciously for nearly 45 more years. As much as it distresses me, his race is almost run, and he has fully earned the right to let go when he thinks the time has arrived. Like (brother #2), I wouldn’t want him to die in distress, but neither do I think it’s fair to him to prolong his life if he wishes otherwise. 

It obvious that the time is drawing closer to when we will lose Dad, and as prepared as I have been for years for him to die, I still dread the reality. We have all been so incredibly lucky to have had Mom and Dad as our parents, and with Mom gone it will be even more wrenching to lose Dad as well. So, I think we should continue to dialogue about our courses of action and be available for one another. As the oldest sibling, I feel a good deal of responsibility for the three of you, even given the fact that you are all strong adults and don’t need me to look out for you. But old feelings and habits are hard to break…”

And lastly, brother #3:
“I have been acutely aware of Dad’s heart condition these many years, and recall thinking when we were off hunting by ourselves that something could happen anytime.As Dad approaches 96, he has clearly run a great race; he recognizes his time is coming and is at peace with that. I have always believed his end would come with a final MI/cardiac arrest; but who knows. Should we find ourselves in a situation where hospice is appropriate – perhaps the heart failure finally becomes unmanageable – then hospice would  be a good choice, and without further intervention other than palliative. On the other hand, if a condition presents that can be reversed or managed to maintain quality of life then I agree the right thing would be to obtain the care.
I agree with (brother #1’s) observation that Mom and Dad helped us to form a strong family. It’s unimaginable to me that we would somehow fall apart after Dad is gone. I enjoy being with each of you and will always love all of you.”
Not only did I find my brother’s emails restorative, but it gave me hope that we will find a way to enjoy one another into the future, despite our differences. Without this effort to communicate with one another, I am certain that the future would have seen us drifting apart, separated not only by physical, but emotional distance.

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Is there value in prolonging life after 80? 90?

The title of this post is provocative, but so is this use of the politicized phrase “death panel” by Joe Klein in his June 11 Time feature article, “How to Die”: “My parents died serenely, with dignity. When you are a death panel — when the time and manner of their passing is at least partly in your hands — that is the very best you can hope for.”

Mr. Klein’s story — which encompassed his parents’ relationship, their struggles with very old age, his Dad’s tendency to act “as if old age were a reversible condition,” and finally his experience with Geisinger’s candid communications style and evidence-based approach to medical care — was truly moving. I recognized in his account the emotional tug-of-war that goes with being the caregiver who has the day-to-day responsibility of interpreting a parent’s end-of-life wishes.

The Time feature (click to see a video with the author here) and another article in the New York Times’ “New Old Age” blog has pushed to the front of my mind this question: will I send my Dad to the E.R. again?

Klein describes how his 91-year-old mother’s trips to the emergency room were becoming more frequent. When he was traveling out of state, he got a call that she was in the hospital, had pneumonia and wasn’t eating. He was told that she would die unless they put in a feeding tube. Although he knew she specifically didn’t want a feeding tube, he authorized it so that she might have the chance to recover. He later came to believe that he made a mistake in that decision and that “there are better ways to handle the end-game.”

The New York Times blog article, “At the End, a Rush to the E.R.,” by Paula Span, comments on a study just published in Health Affairs and calls the E.R. “a conveyer belt to hospitalization.” The analysis of the medical records of 4,158 people over 65 who died over a 14 year period revealed that 75% had visited an emergency room in their final six months and 68% of those died in the hospital.

To go to the hospital or not is almost certainly a decision I will face in the near future

In January, my 95-year-old Dad had a seizure-like episode while we were out walking.  I didn’t panic, but my heart was racing and I had to decide what to do almost instantly. (I blogged about my internal crisis last month.) Fearing that he was having a stroke, I immediately called 9-1-1 and first responders arrived minutes later. Dad quickly stabilized, so much so that the paramedic asked me if I wanted him to go to the hospital in the ambulance — or not. I know that t-PA, the drug used to break up clots associated with strokes (thus preventing many of a stroke’s worst effects), has to be administered within three hours of the event, so I opted for the ambulance run to the hospital.

After a long day of waiting on an uncomfortable ER “bed”, they weren’t able to figure out what caused Dad’s symptoms. He was admitted for observation and spent two nights. They did a bunch of tests (blood, X-ray, CT, MRI, ultrasound, echocardiogram, and even a nuclear medicine stress test) and concluded that he did not have a stroke, and that his heart is actually in very good shape except for the old damage from his original heart attack.

Although he had no procedures, the tests and just being in the hospital were very uncomfortable for him. Holding still during an MRI was excruciating. He was exhausted after his discharge.

But now we have information we didn’t before. He doesn’t have major blockages in his heart or his carotid arteries. His congestive heart failure — a condition he’s had for at least 10 years — will continue to be treated with medication.

So under what circumstances would I send my Dad to the hospital in an ambulance again?

My big concern is that Dad not be in acute pain or discomfort. If he falls and hurts himself, I won’t be strong enough to help him, and he could be in a lot of pain. So I would authorize the ambulance run, but I’d lobby like hell to get him out as soon as possible. If he has significant chest pain, I will also call 9-1-1. I stopped by an estate sale earlier today and talked with the son-in-law of a neighbor who passed away in December; his Dad went to the hospital after not being able to defecate for several weeks. I’d send Dad to the hospital under the same circumstances. If he was very ill and I thought he could recover with IV antibiotics — Dad’s still got the biceps of a 40 year old — I’d probably authorize a short hospital stay. But I will say “no” to anything but the most benign diagnostic tests; we’re done with long diagnostic procedures. And I’d say no to ventilation, feeding tubes and the like. But any time I say “yes” to the hospital, I know I’m taking a risk that he could decline and die there. He doesn’t want that, and neither do I.

My dilemma – like many caregivers’ — is the unpredictability of the period ahead

Although I love “The New Old Age” blog, another recent post pissed me off. “Among the Very Ill, Confusion about Life’s End” describes how annoying geriatricians find it that older Americans are unwilling to plan for the end of life. Seems that a study of people who met hospice criteria (expected to die within six months, although many live longer) most often answered “I don’t know” to a question about what they expected the course of their final illness to be (answer choices: suddenly, within a day or two of a health crisis, after a prolonged illness or “I don’t know”).

The article noted, “Each individual had a terminal disease with a somewhat predictable trajectory, though precise prognoses are always difficult.”

That’s what pissed me off… because with a few exceptions (mostly cancer), death isn’t very predictable. I’ve seen the data at hospice conferences. And in my experience doctors really don’t like to be asked to estimate how long someone might have.

Dad ought to have been eligible for hospice care, oh, about seven years ago. The cardiovascular surgeon who performed Dad’s third open heart bypass surgery in 1999 expected Dad would have five good years before his heart finally gave out. I’d have Dad in a hospice program in a skinny minute if someone could tell me that he is likely to only have six months to live. My mother was given an estimate of 4-6 weeks after being diagnosed with terminal lung cancer in January of 1999. I fought with the hospitalist to bring her home to die, despite his telling me, “It’d be kinder for all parties concerned if she just winked out here in the hospital.” She died on May 10, at sunset, with my Dad holding her hand, thanks to great hospice care that kept her mostly comfortable to the very end.

Putting a value on the end of life

Mr. Klein noted that his mother had a heart valve operation when she was 80 for a heart murmur that was getting worse. He went on to explain how much it cost.

My father would have died without that last open heart surgery in 1999, when he was 82. I’m sure it cost a lot, too. But in the 13 years since then, some very important things have happened.

He has spent many hours with me reviewing his life and some of the things that have caused him the greatest pain – especially his father’s lack of interest and involvement, and the death of my sister due to leukemia at age four. He’s also had a chance to tell lots of stories about things he’s proud of, moments he relishes. I know him in a way that wouldn’t have been possible while my Mother was still alive. He has given so much love and acceptance to my three brothers and me in these intervening years.

Though I am all for improving care coordination and undoing the perverse incentives of Medicare fee-for-service, I hope we never discount the value of having the time and health to come to terms with the approach of death.

My Dad feels ready to go, and I am ready to say goodbye when the time is right. And in the meantime I will do everything in my power to keep him happy and comfortable, which (unfortunately) may mean at least one more run to the hospital before he can be enrolled in a hospice program.

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My Dad wonders, “What’s the alternative?”

For Father’s Day, I’m putting together a digital scrapbook of sorts. I came across some notes I scribbled after talking with Dad in 2009. We had talked a little about the fact that he doesn’t live in the past despite some agonizingly painful memories, as when my sister died of leukemia at the age of four:

The past is over. And I can’t live in the future. So I live in the present. I have these distinct periods of my life. They’re almost separate lives. I wish your sister had lived. In my last memory of her she was in an oxygen tent, holding out her arms and saying, “Daddy help me.” I couldn’t do a thing.

It struck me that, as emotional as Dad is, he has been – and is – a very practical man.  He does what has to be done.  When memories are too painful, he doesn’t dwell on them.

A few days later, we talked a little more.

“I’m getting to be an old crock,” he said.  I commented, “You do so much better than most people your age – you’re hardly an old crock.”  Then he said, “I hope it doesn’t shock you, but I look forward to being with your mother again.”

Now, Dad and I had talked about his concept of faith and God many times in the past, and he had expressed regret that he couldn’t quite believe in God, much as he might want to.  Further, he found it unfair that my Mom, a woman of so much faith in God, would express fear of death when she was in the late stages of terminal lung cancer.  So I said, “I take it you do believe in an after-life.”  He replied:  “What’s the alternative?” I’ll take that as a yes.

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Real emotions from a real man

Dad started singing the “Battle Hymn of the Republic” today at the kitchen table, and as always, he choked up.

“It was a terrible war,” he said. “They all are.”

Then he went on to say, “I’m a sentimental man. But it’s real. I mean it.”

I know Dad means it. I’ve known it for a long time. In a strange bit of juxtaposition, today I came across a letter I wrote to my Dad when I was 22. I was very, very angry at him for an argument we had. It ended badly, with him physically throwing me out of his room when I stood my ground. In retaliation, I took his car and drove very, very fast around the Olympic peninsula, returning to my parents’ home in the wee hours of the morning. (Like that was really intelligent.)

I wrote:

A long time ago, I wrote an essay about myself. I found myself struggling with words to describe you, and to describe my feelings about you. I kept coming up with metaphors about rocks — things that reflected both strength and immovability. And no one would question that you are both of those things.

Somehow, Dad, it is different growing up as your daughter and not as your son. For all the femininity that is within me, I am still as strong and independent as my brothers – a person quite capable of standing on her own two feet. To accept this in a son, I believe, is less difficult than to accept it in me. Perhaps it is for this reason that years of feelings welled up inside me as we spoke tonight, and I realized I needed to be accepted, in the same way my brothers are respected, once and for all….

I understand your strength. I understand your pride, and that you cannot show weakness most of all to me. I see the softness and warmth that you have as a father. But I have never seen the side of you that could say to me, ‘I am wrong,’ or ‘I am sorry.’

Tonight, however, just for once in my 22 years, I needed to hear something. I needed to hear something other than ‘dismissed.’

I believe you rejected me tonight because for the first time in my life I was terribly insubordinate to you. I said no.

I love you but I have always been afraid of you. Part of my growing up and turning twenty-two was finally fighting this love-fear feeling about my father. “They” say some things like this are never gotten over, but I’m not writing a psych book and I could care less what anyone else has to say about my need for ‘reaffirmation.’

…Do you know how much it meant to me when you said you wanted to take me fishing and just to talk to me this summer? I guess that was the first time you had ever really wanted to sit down and share those words of wisdom with me that I have always imagined you have with my brothers. I don’t think I’ve ever been as happy as the day you asked me about going fishing.

This is the grown-up me that you may not always notice, Dad. It isn’t the woman that you and Mom have often doubted would have enough love — unselfish love — to be happy in marriage. This is the me that my friends have come to know, the one that has a lot of love to give, but needs it in return, too.

I need to hear that you could say you were sorry. I need, just once, to see that side of you. And I’m sorry, but I’m not sure why. I just know it’s a fact.

You may not like me very well after you read this letter. You may be able to dismiss it, or say I’m upset, or say I’m trying to fight you. I’m not, however, doing any of those things. With every once of love in my heart, I’m showing you everything that’s there. And Dad, that more than anything else demonstrates my tremendous love and trust and admiration for you.

Please don’t take this letter as any form of criticism. Take it as what it is — just a very big step in your daughter’s final transition into adult and womanhood.”

How did the story end? My Dad said he was sorry. He showed me the love and respect I so desperately needed then. Our relationship changed forever.

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In the end, there’s…. chocolate

 

My goals as a daughter and caregiver have changed since 2006, when I moved my Dad to California. I imagined we’d make the grand tour of the foothill wineries, in search of the very best Zin. But then he lost his taste for wine (although he still enjoys a small glass before dinner), and car trips became uncomfortable. I find that I am no longer trying to ensure “a fun old age” for him.

My goals now are simple: keep him from feeling lonely, and make sure he gets chocolate every day. I think I’m succeeding at both.

As I returned him to his assisted living apartment the other day (which he views as purgatory), I told him I’d be back the next day and explained that I don’t want him to be lonely. “I don’t get lonesome,” he said. “But I do miss you.”

And as for chocolate, well, here’s the proof. This is a typical scene of Dad at lunch. What could be better than chicken, milk, the New York Times and a side of chocolate cake?

He’s lost so much of his former life (and glory, he would add). The 5th USMC Reserve Officers Commission class (of May 1941) is down to 25 members from its original complement of 304. His closest friends and brothers are long gone.

But he’s still got me, as well as other family members who love him. And chocolate. Lots of chocolate.

 

 

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Finding myself on the front page, kind of

I was shocked last Sunday when I saw the Sacramento Bee’s front page: “Many types of loss mark midlife for boomers.” The online version has an even more depressing headline, “Boomers’ lives full of losses expected and unexpected.”

I felt like I’d seen a reflection of myself in a carnival fun house mirror. Me, but distorted.

The article by Anita Creamer, consistently one of the Bee’s best columnists and writers (in my humble opinion), reports that boomers are being hit by divorce, the death of parents, fading youth, failing health and economic loss.

Parts of the image I recognize. They call people my age “the sandwich generation” for a reason. We’re often squished between the needs of our children and those of our elders. In 2005, I answered an internal call to care for my Dad and gave up a job and identity that I truly loved.

For the first six months after I “retired,” before my Dad actually made the move from Washington, I felt a profound loss of identity. I didn’t know how to measure the value of my day: what had I produced? I didn’t know how to answer when people asked me, “What do you do?” The hole that I left in my team of co-workers slowly filled in. The hole they left in me was slower to heal.

But loss isn’t what I feel now, with this big caveat: nothing truly bad has happened. We’ve been hit by the economy (who hasn’t?) and we don’t have the resources that we did when I worked, but we’re secure enough.

My marriage is probably stronger and my relationship with my children better, despite the energy that funnels into caring for Dad.

And my health is better. One of the priorities I made for myself starting four years ago was a regular exercise program, something I’d never been good about but knew I needed as an outlet from the stress of caring for Dad. I started by having a trainer come to the house once a week, knowing that I would wimp out when it came to something like – oh, I don’t know – getting my heart rate up above 90. If our appointment was at my house, I figured, I couldn’t escape.

Several women in my neighborhood noticed (since I looked pretty dorky doing lunges in my driveway). They were interested in trying it, too. Four years later, we continue to split the cost of a trainer and added more workouts.

I no longer look at productivity the way I once did. I am better at being in the moment with my father. A friend recently sent me this email:

I have found in my Hospice work that heart time is different from mind time.  Culturally you and I are programmed to be productive — even in our sleep we should be productive with our psyche!!  Foolishness. Just being with each other, and not doing is a major blessing few really get.  The ancient ways here understood it fully.

My elderly friend, Jackie, who lives nearby can sit quietly in her meditation room for a long period.  She can see in a simple flower bloom a beauty that most miss, or the little birds in her back yard.  She absolutely relishes ‘living’ instead of doing although she is a doer too.

Glad you are having this time.  Just remember, sometimes with those who are really advanced in age, they are here but en route to the other side, they spend some moments in the nether region — the space between — maybe a way of getting used to letting go.  When they are in it, they are distant from those around them even when those around them are physically present.  Don’t take it personally — tis the way of the universe — turn it over to God.

I’m grateful to Ms. Creamer for covering this important topic. I’m grateful for this time with my Dad. I’m grateful for the changes this period has wrought in me. I guess I’m just plain grateful.

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