Monthly Archives: January 2014

The Storyteller

Ozma of Oz

The wind blew hard and joggled the water of the ocean, sending ripples across its surface. Then the wind pushed the edges of the ripples until they became waves, and shoved the waves around until they became billows. The billows rolled dreadfully high: higher even than the tops of houses. Some of them, indeed, rolled as high as the tops of tall trees, and seemed like mountains; and the gulfs between the great billows were like deep valleys.”

Can you picture a storm-tossed ship, far out on the waters, rolling up and down and tipping side to side? Do you begin to feel a little anxious, imagining yourself in that tiny vessel as it submits to the mercy of the sea? Or are you distracted as you read this by the papers on your desk or the pinging of a smart phone at your side?

When I was first exposed to these lines from L. Frank Baum’s Ozma of Oz, I had no such distractions. I was snuggled in my twin bed, clutching my bedspread in the circular pool of light that flowed from my bedside lamp. I grew fearful as the storm worsened and the light was extinguished from the blackening sky.

To me, the story wasn’t something comprised of words on a flat page. I didn’t even read them. They were read to me by a master storyteller, my father. His voice traveled outward, rising with the tempest and bouncing off the ceiling, and then softening with reassurance when our narrator reminded us that our heroine, Dorothy, was an experienced traveler who had after all made far more difficult trips, arriving in Oz by way of cyclone.

Though his primary career was the United States Marine Corps, my Dad had the sensibilities of a thespian. He learned to tell stories from his father who, despite being demanding and detached, could spin a tale of the Old West that put you in the Pastime Saloon as Uncle Jake Cottrell faced down the Montana Kid.

Dad told a story with his whole body. He leaned forward and paused to see if he had the attention of his audience. His body coiled and his shoulders squared as he prepared to slowly unwind the story. He painted the setting, be it a hot Yakima day crouched in the sage brush at the edge of a canyon, a starry Seattle night when he held my mother in his arms, or a too-quiet lonely dirt road on a war-torn Pacific island with nothing more than a sidearm to protect him. He could startle his audience by booming out a phrase capable of reaching the length of a parade ground, or beguile it with low, mellifluous tones as he recited Antony’s description of Cleopatra on her barge.

I loved stories, but I especially loved hearing stories.

Today’s Daily Good article, reprinted from Aeon Magazine, reminded me how much my father’s stories have shaped me.

The story describes the response to  “pin drop” oral storytelling readings created by writer and journalist Elizabeth Day, reporting that Day “believes that reading aloud is more intimate than theatre because all the scenery and props have been stripped away, leaving only the listeners’ imaginations: the theatre of the mind.”

Just as Dad’s voice comforted me when I worried about Dorothy on the turbulent sea, I hear his voice in my head as I write the next chapter in my own story. Dad has been gone for a year, and I know I discharged my duties as caregiver with honor. This summer I will embark on a new venture in writing, and I confess to feeling a bit scared.

Maybe that’s what this quote shared by Daily Good means:

“Stories can conquer fear, you know. They can make the heart bigger.” – Ben Okri

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Something Happened

Official Portrait, Promotion to Colonel, 1959

Official Portrait, Promotion to Colonel, 1959

Most of my life, my mind has raced. While I was physically present, in my head I often was thinking about something else, half-attending, listening for what I had to sock away in short term memory while filtering many of the other signals and information that flew past my head. Way back, in first grade, my teacher reported, “I found that Betsy reads well in a second grade book, but has almost no comprehension of what she has read, so we gave this up for now.” To which my mother wrote back, “We’re reading aloud to Betsy more frequently so this may help the comprehension too. She’s had much less reading aloud than our other children. Her Dad is reading Oz books now.” (Thank heavens. Reading the L. Frank Baum series is one of the most important memories of my childhood.)

About seven years into my career, when I first began to achieve some success, a leadership styles assessment found that I was seen by others as analytical, decisive and self confident. That was the positive side of the coin. It also found that I was seen as detached, determined and independent. I was a woman on a mission, more focused on what I had to get done than building relationships.

Fast forward 17 years. Before I left corporate life, another battery of personality and leadership assessments found something quite different. According to the 16PF Fifth Edition Personal Career Development Profile (yes, that’s a thing), my personality was found to be most aligned with people who are most interested in “helping” professions, particularly counseling. “Are you interested in counseling,” the consultant asked.

“God, no,” I thought. I wouldn’t have the patience for it. But I wondered, how does someone change from “detached” to “receptive” and “attentive to others”?

Experience. Age. Or both.

I find myself doing what I often do — thinking about my Dad. Looking back on his aging process, I accelerate it in my mind until it resembles time-lapse photography, those film sequences that capture a plant as it transforms from a seed that germinates, pushes a green sprout toward the surface, shoots up toward the sky and blooms.

Memory is like that. I look back on the father of my childhood, adolescence, adulthood and now middle-age and I piece the images together until they become a narrative arc.

It was hard to get Dad’s attention when I was young. He looked distracted in most of our old photos, uncomfortable, often unsmiling. It wasn’t that he hated having his picture taken. In college snapshots, he looked relaxed and confident, maybe even a bit full of himself. In my childhood, he barely tolerated the ritual of the family photo. His mind was somewhere else.

Fast forward 70 years. Dad sat at my kitchen table savoring his coffee and the morning newspaper. When we conversed, I had his full attention.

His mind worked vastly differently in his nineties than it did in his twenties. When asked a question, he would pause for some time. In a social situation, well-meaning people might try to rescue him by filling the void with chatter.

But if you waited and watched, you could almost see his thought process. He would consider the inquiry, mentally find the correct file cabinet, and eventually the right memory. Sometimes, the answer would escape him for a while and he would say, “I’ll come get you at 2 a.m. when it comes to me.” When he stopped worrying about retrieving the sought-after tidbit, it often emerged as if by its own volition.

What would once have taken seconds took minutes, maybe even hours.

In today’s “New Old Age” column in the New York Times, Benedict Carey writes, “(T)he larger the library you have in your head, the longer it usually takes to find a particular word….” Accumulated knowledge, vocabulary and expertise, Mr. Carey reports, represent “crystallized” intelligence, which some scientists suggest actually grows over time, while “fluid” intelligence (short-term memory activities like remembering a phone number) shrinks.

I find this heartening. Every “woman of a certain age” I know complains of the annoying tip-of-the-tongue syndrome and short-term memory failures that seem to move in about the time we are finally rid of the equally annoying biological systems that plagued us from age 12 on.

This summer, I will start a Masters in Fine Arts program in creative nonfiction. Part of me is mildly terrified to engage with a group of students whose median age is likely to be under 30. No doubt their fluid minds will quickly digest the volumes of reading that come with the territory. While I try to remember them.

Dad is again my guide and mentor. His love of people — and literature — only grew as he aged. I don’t think it was just the easing of daily demands that enabled his internal life to flourish. Something happened to his patience. Something happened to his ability to savor, appreciate and feel gratitude. Something happened to his depth of understanding.

I’m praying for something like that to happen to me.

[Author’s note: One of my friends messaged this photo to me. Thanks, Kristin Warren Vandersluis!]

IMG950426

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Knitting a Friendship

knitting screen shot

How do you write about a period when nothing much happened?

Although my years with Dad included many health crises, most of the time things were quiet. Our days were predictable, from the first click that indicated the release of the brakes on Dad’s walker as he rose, to a breakfast of oatmeal with raisins, our daily walk, a convivial glass of wine during the cocktail hour, and finally chocolate cake following dinner.

When I look back upon my seven years as a caregiver, what I remember most are our conversations. I talked and he listened. I asked questions and waited while he patiently searched his memory banks before responding. Hardly the stuff of reality television.

Earlier today, I got around to reading an email that my friend, Ellen, recently forwarded from Daily Good. I’ve never been a big fan of the “Chicken Soup for…” genre and I made the mistake of thinking this was more inspiration from a can.

It turned out to be a lovely little story in which the author remembers his grandfather’s eye surgery. He was 12 and tasked by the family with translating for the grandfather and spending time with him as he recovered. During the hours they passed by playing chess, the grandfather told stories. When other patients asked if they could “borrow” the boy, he asked his grandfather for permission. He recalled, “He told me that the opportunity to listen to others was a mutual blessing, both for the narrator as well as the listener.”

Today I spent time with a friend who is recovering from a series of life-threatening strokes. I’ve been thinking about how much I enjoy my time with her. Even though her short term memory is impaired, her wisdom is intact. She asks the thoughtful questions she always has, listens with great attention, and offers her rare brand of insight. I read the Daily Good piece to her, including this observation from the writer, Jalees Rehman, now a cardiologist:

All humans want to be narrators, but many have difficulties finding listeners. Illness is often a time of vulnerability and loneliness. Narrating stories during this time of vulnerability is a way to connect to fellow human beings, which helps overcome the loneliness. The listeners can be family members, friends or even strangers.

My friend loved it. What she said was even more profound:

You listen to me, and I listen to you. That must be because we’re knitting. I must need some things you have and you must need some things I have. We are making something new. We need understanding. It’s the hardest things for humans to understand what’s happening. When I have a friend like you and (her husband), you make meaning.

That’s what we’re doing. Knitting a friendship from the yarn of our former selves. Just by being together.

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Remembering One Year Ago

Dad on January 8, 2012

Dad on January 8, 2012

I awakened just before 5 this morning feeling anxious. As I flipped from one side to the other, my thoughts churned. Though I have plenty of things I could worry about and long lists of things I should get done, I can usually put those thoughts aside and go back to sleep. Not this morning. Why was I feeling unsettled?

Then I remembered one year ago. One year ago, I slept while my father’s nighttime caregiver administered hospice comfort medications at the maximum dosage.

I felt like I had hopped on a freight train that was speeding, careening, barely holding to the rails along a treacherous mountain route that cast dark shadows on our route. I held on, trying to avert disaster.

A week earlier, Dad had been on a plateau, as hospice put it. He was still getting to the table for meals, and we were still making forays for fresh air outside, albeit by wheelchair. I had begun to accept that he would not rally, as I had hoped when came on service with hospice December 20. The nurses had explained that he would likely decline in increments, alternating with periods of stability.

I was Dad’s life ring and he clung to me for security, never wanting  me to leave his side. When Todd and I went out to see a movie as a short break, Dad remained at the dinner table with the caregiver, not wanting to retire until I returned. There he stayed, exhausted, counting the minutes until I would return at 9 p.m. I was counting, too. After one brother cancelled his planned trip, I crossed off the days on my calendar until brother Dean would arrive that Wednesday.

Dad’s confusion increased. I sat next to him all day and surrounded him with pictures. At dinner that Monday night, he picked up the picture of my brothers on the kitchen table and said, “They were siblings, weren’t they?”

I broke out in hives. I wondered if it was a reaction to the antibiotic I was taking to resolve a lingering cough, or a physical manifestation of my own anxiety. First my palms itched, then the soles of my feet, then my scalp. As I sat talking to the hospice Chaplain, I furiously scratched my head, twitching from the attempt to stop.

After Dean arrived, Dad’s decline only accelerated. The afternoon of Dean’s arrival, I asked our new afternoon caregiver to make chicken cacciatore. The process turned out to be long and arduous, but the results were delicious. Dad ate heartily, displaying his best appetite in a month. The mood, for that eyelash of time, was celebratory.

But that night, the medications we had pre-dispensed for the hospice nurse weren’t adequate to control Dad’s shortness of breath and agitation. From 11 p.m. on, Dad awakened every half hour. The caregiver summoned Dean during the night to prepare more. At 6:45 a.m. Thursday, Dad attempted to get out of bed by himself, after three weeks of being unable to support his own weight. The caregiver intervened before he fell. Dad was exhausted by the effort.

On Friday, Dean supervised the final move of Dad’s belongings to my house. The afternoon was quiet, with Dad sleeping most of the time. His breathing began to sound increasingly liquid, although the hospice nurse had told us not to be concerned. Just the same, we arranged for a house call the next morning, while I would be out facilitating a strategic planning retreat and Dean would supervise Dad’s care.

When I left that morning, I told Dean to call me with whatever the nurse said. An hour and a half into the retreat, he called with the news to come home. Now. I bluntly announced, “I have to leave. My Dad is dying.” I called my son at school and asked him if he wanted to come home even though Papa might be gone by the time he arrived. He did. My brothers Scott and Bruce booked flights for hours later. As I sat calling family in the living room, I overheard my daughter comforting Dad by reading passages from his favorite poetry. I wrote about preparing. Dad was on his way.

That Friday night turned out to be Dad’s last.

Dean told the story of that evening at Dad’s memorial:

The night before his passing, he was too weak to come to the table for dinner, even in his wheel chair – so Betsy and I brought our dinner into his room. We set up a card table in front of his recliner, squeezed in next to him, and had a quiet time together. In retrospect, he was clearly starting to fade, although Betsy and I did not realize at the time how close he was to the end.  He was very sleepy during dinner, and seemed to be in a waking dream state: still connected to the physical world around him, but clearly seeing and responding to other things as well.  As we sat together, he looked at me with half-closed eyes and asked, “Dean, will you drive?” This caught me a bit off-guard, but I responded that of course I would. I wish now that I had had the wits to ask him where he wanted to go, but I did not. Afterwards, my first thought was that in his mind he thought we were sitting in our camper on one of our hunting trips, and that he wanted me to drive because he was too tired to carry on. What I’ve now come to believe is something else…. Our hospice nurse told Betsy and me that such restlessness is fairly common, and offered the belief that perhaps those close to death know they have somewhere they need to go, and are so determined to get there they will get up out of bed and walk right out the front door if you aren’t watching over them. Today when I look back on my father’s words, I think he knew it was time for him to leave, and that he wanted me to drive him there. I think he was asking me to take him home.”

Dad is home now. I miss him. But I am glad he is free.

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A Holiday Letter Straight Out of the 90s

1993 maddie and thom stone

I’m dusting off my old holiday letters and pulling them together as a collection. Here’s a throwback — my holiday letter from twenty years ago (slightly excerpted). 

The Saga of the Stones commences with “Deep Thoughts” triggered by the occasion of the seeding soccer tournaments. For those of you not familiar with this annual event, it’s the interminably long day at which soccer teams of all ages play one another to determine their opponents for the year. The day seems “interminable” due to the notable (and rather cruel) lack of unlocked bathrooms at the soccer field, and the constant delays while waiting for the “Iron Pixies” (that’s Maddie’s team, taking on a tougher demeanor this year with the addition of the ‘iron’ to the team name) to play the “Ponderous Pandas” and the like.

As I wait, it occurs to me that nothing as prepared me for many of the experiences of parenthood. I read the American College of OB/GYN’s pregnancy and parenting handbook. I did field research by talking to other parents with kids. I read What to Expect When You’re Expecting (which is to today’s parents what Chairman Mao’s Little Red Book was to the Communist Chinese).

What I need is What to Expect After You’re Expectant: the 90s Guide to Activities, Sports and School Fundraising. This book would reveal the mysteries of “Daisy” scouts, which is pre-Brownies, which is pre-Girl Scouts. (I suppose “Seedlings” are the next logical step in Girl Scout preparatory organizations.) It would warn a parent of the hazards of over-zealous troop leaders who send out detailed instructions for the in-the-backyard-campouts including (my favorite): “Be sure to WD-40 your daughter’s sleeping bag zipper.” Same leader develops a menu that includes solar cooking of solar jam (roughly the consistency of melted red plastic) and solar cooking of corn in a black Merlino wool sock (available for purchase at the shee-shee men’s store for $16 or you can do like I did, pull one from the drawer and hope the washing machine sterilizes). Or over-zealous Brownie mothers who call with the helpful suggestion that free-range chicken eggs are more flavorful than regular chicken eggs, and can be purchased at Trader Joe’s. Don’t jump to the conclusion that these people are rich. They’re not. They’re just trying to create a REALLY meaningful learning experience. Maddie’s enjoying it. It’s me who’s unprepared.

The same book would warn parents that teachers are NOT KIDDING when they announce a jog-a-thon to kindergartners and provide information on how to compete for valuable prizes. Last year I was certain they MUST know kindergartners don’t have powerful rolodexes (yet), and that it’s the parents who do most of it… at least until the kids perfect their direct mail strategy in first or second grade. Wrong. Maddie was half-crazed the second day of last year’s contest after one child won MAJOR PRIZES (requiring more than 20 sponsorships). This year Maddie was ready. Perhaps you received her inaugural direct mail solicitation.

I am definitely not prepared. (And the thing is, about the time I figure out the bends and twists of parenting a school-age child, and get Tommy into that phase, I’ll be switching from books like What to Expect… to The Fountain of Age and emblazoning bumper stickers on my car like, “Women don’t have hot flashes. They have power surges.”)

Meanwhile, Tommy is proving that there ARE some things that can’t be explained by environment and socialization alone. Tommy has been able to hurl balls accurately since he could grasp. (About half of Maddie’s tosses still go straight up and land somewhere in the vicinity.) Anything remotely round or cylindrical must be a ball. A personal favorite of his is hurling all of my tampons off of our two story staircase one-by-one. (I won’t send this letter to my Mom; she is still appalled that they have feminine hygiene ads on TV.) Tommy looks almost uncomfortably like Todd’s brother Michael – strawberry blond hair, big dimples and smile, mischievous personality. In our household, we eat over a dozen bananas per week (also two dozen apples and about three gallons of milk). Uncle Mike hates bananas. And Tommy won’t touch them. Given Mike’s high school antics, I’ve decided genetics can be scary. I hope they finish the human genome project before Tom hits his teens. Maybe something can be done.

Maddie has learned to read, knows the days and weeks and months of the year, can add and subtract, and aspires to be a “horseback rider and ballerina.” A major highlight of the year was a fishing-intro trip to the headwaters of the Metolius River in Oregon… Tommy is running (all the time), very social, and beginning to talk… We acquired fish, Thomassina the cat has stopped peeing on the downstairs bed, and Winnie the sheepdog is really starting to act her age.

THINGS WE’RE CELEBRATING: Expecting the arrival of Todd’s cousin Jane/husband Doug’s baby soon… Thrilled for the arrival of little cousin Lena Thomassen in Norway, Rachel Carleson, Kendall Skreden, Hannah O’Hearn, Sarah Swanson, Alexander Steele, Devon Hoppe, Kevin O’Connor, Jeffrey Beltran, Shea Mohan, August Catalano Jr., and Charlie Weatherbee. It’s been a BIG year for babies. Happy for the new job prospects of Tamalon Littlefield, Joe Rehfeld, Pete Dess, David Mintz and no doubt tons of others… Wishing well my niece Sandy, who’s back in school in Virginia, as well as brother-in-law Ken who’s surviving his last year of a graduate degree at University of California, Berkeley… Hope all is well with you.

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The Beach

Santa Cruz

The ocean doesn’t factor much in my memories. If anything, it was a trickster. When I was a child in Hawaii, it would lull me with its disarmingly benign surface, warm and inviting, only to upend me with a sudden swell that turned my world upside down. I emerged gasping and chastened, salt water filling my throat and churning in my stomach. When we crossed the ocean, I looked out from our ocean liner in fear, aware that our vessel was no more than flotsam in the unending sea that stretched from one vista to the other.

This is different.

We spent New Year’s eve and morning with two families we have known since we were young invincibles. Before kids. Back then we sat in tight huddles (the women), punched each other’s shoulders (the men), sat on laps (the couples), drank too much and stayed up late. The talk was salty, silly and sometimes serious. If we talked of the past, it was about our childhoods, our relationships with our siblings, mothers and fathers. If we talked of the future, it drifted toward where we would travel, the possibility of jobs and whether our children would like one another. Through years of three-day weekends spent together, one belly after another swelled with pregnancy. We carried the future in front of us.

Three girls and three boys we had between us. For a time, when the kids were small enough to curl up in sleeping bags on the floor, we crammed into a house together. A house on the beach. We hiked through the cut in the dunes down to the blustery shore where the kids would run up and down, chased by the waves, laughing. I see us adults clustered on the shore, bathed in orange light, watching contentedly. At night, the children dropped into exhausted sleep to adult chatter punctuated with regular bursts of laughter.

Pulled by the demands of jobs and families, we reformed in occasional twos and fours — girls’ weekends, and less often, guys’ weekends. Dinner with two families. Our gatherings became more infrequent.

We planned to gather on December 22 for a long-anticipated reunion, all twelve of us, at the instigation of our young adult children. But instead of twelve, we were eleven. Debbie — Debbie the Loyal, Debbie the Connector, Debbie the Loving — Debbie was suddenly and irrevocably gone forever. A hole had been punched in our universe.

We gathered again on New Year’s Eve in Santa Cruz. Eleven, not twelve. As we walked on the beach, listened to our kids riffing on guitar, poured the wine, gathered over dinner, played a raunchy game, and finally watched 2013 turn into 2014, I kept thinking, “Debbie would have loved this.”

And this: “Where two or three are gathered in my name.” Jesus understood the power of community as a way to bring Him present.

When we gather, I do not feel a void where Debbie should be. I feel her presence. But I ache that she is just beyond my reach, beyond the thin veil that separates her world from ours, that I cannot tell her how much I love her and miss her.

It is our last full day at the beach. My children, now grown, are sleeping downstairs. The ocean laps nearby, seagulls cry and sea lions bark. Of all of us, Debbie loved the beach. I think of this as where Debbie lives now, watching the surfers stream like otters toward the horizon where the swells are biggest, grinning at the children who delight in their wet sand creations, turning to me with love. She is smiling at all of us.

I look for the words that fail me, and find this:

Something there is,
(With my lips soothing thee, adding I whisper,
I give thee the first suggestion, the problem and indirection,)
Something there is more immortal even than the stars,
(Many the burials, many the days and nights, passing away,)
Something that shall endure longer even than lustrous Jupiter
Longer than sun or any revolving satellite,
Or the radiant sisters the Pleiades.
 
From “On the Beach at Night” by Walt Whitman

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