Monthly Archives: July 2012

Road Trip: The Hot Pavement of Memory Lane

Horseshoe Bend image/yakimamemory.org

Sun-drenched has always struck me as an oxymoron here in toasty Sacramento where people often say the old cliche, “it’s a dry heat,” with more than a little acid in their tone. Samuel Taylor Coleridge recognized the sun in a less friendly form in a favorite quote of my Dad’s from The Ancient Mariner: “All in a hot and copper sky,/The bloody Sun, at noon,/Right up above the mast did stand,/No bigger than the Moon.”

During a hot spell, old time Sacramentans would have opened their windows at dawn and shuttered them at 9 a.m. to keep in the cool. At night, they might have dragged their mattresses out into their one-car garage and slept under a wet sheet, hoping for the Delta breeze to come up. Damn the mosquitos.

Having spent most of my formative years in the cool Pacific Northwest, “hot” was reserved for road trips. Every so often, we drove over Chinook Pass and headed to Yakima to visit my grandmother and great aunt. The first part of the drive was spectacular, past sparkling streams of snow runoff, through fields of lupine and Indian paint brush. But then came the hellish drive on the winding canyon road that snaked beside the Yakima River, where no breeze penetrated, and where the sun was amplified by basalt ridges thinly felted with dead, brown grass.

When two of my three brothers were along, I rode pressed next to my father and mother on the bench seat in front. Where the fabric of my shorts left off, skin adhered to the plastic or leather upholstery. My mother, never modest, unrolled the window, unbuttoned her sleeveless blouse and let the breeze of the open window serve as fan. When it got to be too much, my mother advocated a stop to “hot our feet off,” often near Horseshoe Bend. Bliss, even if it was cut short by having to put our shoes back on and pile back into our then-hotter car.

Our summer drives often included a trip to Boise, where my mother grew up, or McCall, Idaho, where my mother’s uncle maintained a summer home. Driving to Idaho was a lot like driving to Yakima in our pre-air-conditioning-era car, but without the benefit of a river for relief.

Remembering those drives, I fully understand the meaning of the ad slogan, “the pause that refreshes.” Coca-Cola never tasted so good as when you were sweating profusely. I remember the excitement of pulling up to a gas pump in the Horse Heavens, past Rattlesnake Ridge, and being given a dime or a quarter. The gas station in my minds’ eye had an old fashioned (1950s) machine that looked like a big cooler or a small freezer. You reached in and pulled out one one of the frosty bottles, held by metal clamps that were released when you inserted your coin. Six ounces of caramel-colored, fizzy heaven.

I don’t remember those drives as especially comfortable, but I remember feeling secure between my Mom and Dad, with my brothers in the back seat, passing the time by playing “red car.” There’s something to be said about the days before air conditioning.

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The Caregivers’ Special? Wine and Cereal

Image

When my kids were little, the ultimate in lazy cuisine was what we called “the babysitters’ special”: mac & cheese. Out of a box.

Everyone is out tonight. Dad’s back at his assisted living apartment (which he insists on calling “The Hacienda,” even though that’s not its name). My husband is on his way to a guys’ weekend in Montana. My son is working in Tacoma, WA, where he attends college during the year. My daughter is at a rehearsal of a play she’s in, which opens tomorrow in Davis, CA.

I don’t have to do anything. Which includes cooking.

What appealed to me? A bowl of Cheerios and Byron Pinot Noir 2010. (I doubt this is what the winemaker had in mind for a pairing.) And I’m deliriously happy about the whole state of affairs.

I think I’ll live dangerously and eat my dinner in bed.

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A Love Letter to My Sister Wife

If you stumbled across this blog post searching for something salacious, now is a good time to exit the page. My oldest, best friend is leaving this morning after a three-day visit, during which she gave me a card with this message:

If I was a Mormon Fundamentalist, I would want you as my sister wife. Thanks for being my friend.

She’s upstairs sleeping in my son’s room as I write this, and I realize how much I will miss her when she catches her airplane to go home in a few hours.

Compared to many caregivers, I have it pretty easy. My Dad still gets himself out of bed, dresses, and toilets unassisted. Nothing I do for him is physically demanding. But, I will admit, it is emotionally demanding.

My most important task for my Dad, in many ways, is to boost his spirits. Most days, he rises like a balloon full of fresh helium, rolls into the kitchen to greet me and may even burst into loud, gravelly song, “Summertime… and the livin’ is easy…” Within a couple of hours, however, the balloon begins to deflate and he expresses dismay about how old he’s getting, or how weak or shaky he may feel. On a bad day, he may ask what’s to become of him next, or lament that he is so dependent. He doesn’t outright say that he’s ready to leave this world, but I often feel that’s the part he leaves unsaid. I do my best to help him feel supported and loved, and try to do little things that temporarily buoy him.

Quiet, intimate time with true friends – especially friends like this one – help me to refuel. Most of our weekend was spent talking, a fair amount of it accompanied by a little wine. She won’t go home raving about all of the cool activities we enjoyed but I hope she enjoyed it.

In the wake of her departure, I feel content, like a cat sitting in the sun, petted by someone who loves me.

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Worth repeating: family communication tips for caregivers

Full disclosure: that’s my hand holding Dad’s, and the blog post below was originally published on the Ray Stone Seniors website. The article was inspired in part by my recent blog post about my experience with family communication, but I thought this had some great tips worth sharing.

With more people living longer, many of us find ourselves balancing caring for our children with caring for our parents, often, while working full-time. Family communication – with parents and siblings – can either become an obstacle to ensuring that parents and caregivers get the support they need and want, or an opportunity to deepen relationships. According to “The Elder Care Study: Everyday Realities and Wishes for Change,” 60 percent of former caregivers reported that their relationships with the elderly relative they cared for changed for the better due to the experience. The same study found that working together to support an aging parent drew some families closer, while a lack of support or help had the opposite effect.

What’s working for these families who report coping well, despite the extra work of caring for an elder? Intentional family communications aimed at fulfilling the older person’s wishes can go a long way toward turning this period of greater dependence into a period that will be remembered as a loving, if difficult, time.

Research and our experiences at Ray Stone Senior Living suggest these 5 techniques can increase the likelihood that caregivers will succeed in achieving better balance, and strengthened relationships:

  1. Start by putting the opinion of the elderly parent at the center of the dialogue. AARP Foundation’s “Planning Guide for Families” cautions that families “should never make a plan or interfere in the lives of their loved one without their knowledge or consent.” Don’t expect, however, to learn what your parents do and don’t want in one fell swoop; be a good listener and look for opportunities to engage them and clarify their wishes when triggering events arise, such as a conversation about a neighbor or friend who is having health problems or making changes due to aging.
  2. Identify a primary contact person. Kathy Quan, R.N., B.S.N., P.H.N., author of “The Everything Guide to Caring for Aging Parents” suggests that identifying a point person to act as a clearinghouse of information can help avoid miscommunication and rumor mills. That central communicator will be charged with making sure that all family members get the same information at the same time. She also suggests having a conversation about ground rules for back-and-forth exchanges, such as: ensuring that everyone is heard, limiting the length of uninterrupted comments (“speeches”), avoiding finger pointing, and not reverting to old, unhelpful family communication patterns.
  3. Divide duties. The Elder Care Study found that 86% of family caregivers said they receive help from other family members, but almost half added that they didn’t get as much help as they would like. Often, women feel they carry more than their fair share of responsibility, but they may not challenge this pattern out of habitual gender roles. By making a list of activities that could be supported, family members’ different abilities and resources may be more fully utilized. Expressing empathy and appreciation for siblings’ contributions also can go a long way toward fostering positive relationships – and possibly more offers of help.
  4. Take advantage of technology-enabled ways to communicate (but pay attention to etiquette). Many families find email an efficient way to keep everyone in the loop – not just about medical problems or changes in medication or routine, but reminiscences that may be shared in the course of the day. Email is also great for attaching documents and photos, as well as passing along greetings from Mom or Dad to other family members. However, email is a poor choice for sensitive discussions or voicing a concern or criticism. Some families also use a family website or blog to stay in touch – not just about parents, but about extended family happenings.
  5. Don’t forget to keep Mom and Dad informed, too. Returning to point #1, the goal of all caregiving efforts should be to honor aging parents’ wishes while keeping them safe. As medical and physical challenges increase, it can be easy to slip into conferring with medical or other professionals as if the older parents are not in the room. Insist that others still treat your Mom and Dad as if they are central, even if it can be frustrating to slow down or repeat information. After a discussion, it can be very helpful to recap it in writing in the form of a letter or note, especially if your parent has any short-term memory loss.

Caring for one’s parents as they age can be tiring, but it can be a time to honor these loved ones by giving back some of the love and support they have shown you along the way. It may even strengthen family relationships into the next generation.

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